Understanding and Enforcing Boundaries
by Taylor Palmer
The end of the year brings its fair share of celebration. Even with the ideal plans, the best company, and every item on your wish list ticked off, the holidays require plenty of energy. The boldest extrovert might find themselves emotionally or physically drained, so focused on meeting others’ needs that they have neglected their own. Setting boundaries can make an immense difference to preserving your energy so you can make the most of the season.
Many of us find it a challenge to prioritize, or even consider, what is important to us, especially when we’re overwhelmed. Though the demands of this time of year can clog your schedule, it is important to set aside a moment to contemplate what you want out of the holidays. Are you someone who loves to party into the wee hours, or is your bedtime set in stone? Can you shop ‘til you drop, or would you rather send your partner out for stocking stuffers? As with your gift wish list, you may not get everything you want, but listing your priorities helps you to at least keep them in mind. Knowing what you want makes it that much easier to ask for it, and this practice can continue well beyond the month of December.
Once you have your priorities straight, be sure to communicate them with the people in your life. No one is a mind reader, so honesty and transparency are key. Communicating boundaries can be challenging, so I want to commend you for even attempting these conversations. If you feel hesitant to begin, start with those you trust the most. Setting boundaries is a lifelong process, and the trusted people in your life provide a safe space to begin this practice.
After establishing boundaries with those you care about, you may still find they cross them from time to time. When you find your limits tested or your personal space invaded, gently remind your loved ones of your comfort zone. (Feel free to adopt a not-so-gentle approach with repeat offenders.) Enforcing boundaries can be especially difficult with the people in our lives who are closest to us or who we have known the longest. They can hold expectations about what emotional closeness should look like or what they feel they deserve from you. Sometimes we are forced to put on a brave face in uncomfortable interactions. Self-care before and after emotionally exhausting situations cannot heal hurtful relationships, but it can strengthen your relationship with yourself and help you meet your own needs.
As you begin to establish boundaries with your loved ones, it is important to honour their right to do the same. How do we receive others when they correct our behaviour? How do we accept and honour when they tell us no? Many folks have experiences with rejection that may make it difficult to hear the people they love need different things from them. However, it is because of trust that the people in our lives are willing to communicate their needs. When in doubt about how to respond, a simple “thank you for letting me know” will suffice. Responding graciously lets people know that you care about them no matter what they are comfortable with. It will also help them grow confident in enforcing their boundaries with others. No matter the time of year, everyone deserves to have their boundaries honoured.
Taylor Palmer (B.A. Psychology) is a writer, performer, and creator whose work has been featured in festivals across Canada, including the Reel 2 Real Film Festival. They currently work from Vancouver, BC.